To recognize time as a friend

“I asked for this. No I BEGGED for this. So stop complaining”. This is the sentence I told myself over and over and over again this morning while looking in the mirror. “You asked for this Hannah, so you can just stop now”. I believe Oriveto, studying abroad my senior year, was a self imposing intervention without my own knowing. 

I asked God for a break. I asked God to be able to breath again. I asked Him for new levels of creativity. And with that comes one hour of internet a day, pasta at every single meal, and Catholicism. 

Yes, I am living in Italy and complaining. There I SAID IT. I admitted to the reality that I do indeed miss bacon, I miss chapel at IWU, I miss my crazy hectic schedule at school where my only alone times were breakfast, lunch and dinner. I miss worshiping with my friends on Friday nights, I miss the ability to call my mom up whenever I want, I miss my photography professor giving me a hard time everyday I would show up late to his class. I have been in Italy for a month yet, I dearly miss home. This kind of “missing” is a lack of. A lack of meat, a lack of community worship, a lack of accessibility. But I asked for this and with it comes a lack of one but a gain of another. 

The gain is a more simple way of life. One that involves not doing my hair or make up, which for me is way of “lacking” to life. How many hours did I spend on getting “ready” for it to be washed off only a few hours later? I have made a decision to not use heat products (blow dryer, curling iron or straightener) the entire four months while in Italy. And if you know me I LOVE doing my hair. Even in this simple act I have made space for other events I want to prioritize and linger in doing. Every other day I make room to get up for the sunrise. Each day is different here on top of this city in the clouds. 

One day I walked out of the convent to find fog floating in my hands. As I made my way down to the lookout stop over the valley, I could only see 5 feet in front of me. Not putting two and two together for some reason, I was hoping to find a beautiful misty landscape over the Italian country side. But to my unbelief I instead found an ocean of white fog and that was it. Completely covering the ENTIRE sky, horizon, and landscape below. I have never in my life experienced such unimaginable environment. It was truly a dream like scene. Apparently this happens all the time in Oriveto, but my first time. And we all know our first time experiencing, tasting, or seeing a new place can either be the best or the worst. I sat there for forty five minutes and watched the sun slowly rise above the blinding illuminating white clouds. I stood in amazement knowing I had just seen a scene I would never forget. Slowly but surly the fog started to dissipate underneath the yearning late mornings call for clarity. All the while singing praises to my God that He creates things just to dazzle us. Whimsical scenes just to send a love note down saying, “Yes I knew you would freak out when you saw this. In your freaking out in amazement my heart took much joy enjoying this moment with you, me, and my creation.” So simple yet would not have happened if I spent an hour doing my hair and make up. 

I am realigning the important aspects I want to take part in daily. 

The library in the convent is full of architecture books, devotionals, and novels. I stumbled across a book called, “The Cloister Walk” by Kathleen Norris. It’s the journey recorded thoughts from a married Protestant women poet who decides to attend St. John’s Abbey in Minnesota for a couple of years. The whole while trying to understand liturgy, rituals, the community of a monastery. I thought it quite fitting while I stay and open myself to a monastic lifestyle for a few months here. A short while into the book I run across this piercing quote, 

“But the monastic perspective welcomes time as a gift from God, and seeks to put it to good use rather than allowing us to be used up by it. A friend who was educated by the Benedictines has told me that she owes to them her sanity with regard to time. ‘You never really finish anything in life,‘ she says, ‘and while that’s humbling, and frustrating. it’s all right. The Benedictines, more than any other people I know, insist that there is time in each day for prayer, for work, for study, and for play.” Liturgical time is essentially poetic time, oriented toward process rather than productivity, willing to wait attentively in stillness rather than always pushing to “get the job done”. Living at St. John’s, I was surprised to discover how much the monastic world was giving me a new perspective on many aspects of my life, not only time, but marriage, family, living in a small town, clothing, and vagaries of the literary world.”      

I begged for this the last six semesters while only getting 4-5 hours a sleep every night, having five classes on top of hours and hours of studio work, having a different ministry I would lead every other night and countless relationships I thought I HAD to maintain every single day or they would fall apart. 

All of that is rooted to insecurity of failing, worry i’m not “doing enough” for the Kingdom of God, and fear I had to be everything for everyone in my life. Basically I thought I could be Jesus to everyone. I will let Jesus be Jesus. And I am finally letting myself be Hannah in hopes the actions of my heart will be a reflection of my relationship with my King as a way to love and minister. 

So here it is the semester I have been beggggging for since middle school. To slow down, to recognize time as a friend, to enjoy the process of art. 

One month through a semester of worry free, make up free, and honestly ministry free. 

Time will be my friend I work with daily not use up to get the most of out. Who want a friend that just uses you anyway?  

-Always with love 

Hannah Rose 

P.S.

More photos and stories to come from a gardening day in the country side of Italy!!! 

and ALLL ABOUT THE ISLAND OF CAPRI!!!!!